31 Jul 2017

Monday Musings [7] - To Love And To Be Loved

Seven years old and her parents, they fight at night
When they think she’s sleeping ‘cause she turned off the lights
Momma wasn’t very strong and it wasn’t very long
‘Fore the doctors said there was fault with her lungs

Fast forward nine tough years, her daddy, he likes his beers
He’s drowning in his liquor and she’s drowning in her tears
One day he leaves her a note and he just disappears
No girl should be left with nothing but her hurt and fears

School somehow loses all its importance
And she’s working without any experience
She’s trying so hard to get by
But something inside her has died
Couple more years and a few times fired
Past admitting that her situation is dire

Now she’s living in her beat-up car
Thinks she’s maybe gone too far
And she’s got no one except this one guy
Who slicks back his hair and thinks he’s fly

He likes to take her for a walk once in a while
Tells her that he just wants to see her smile
Pretends to be gentlemanly
But he’s not nice company
You can tell by the bruises
And the alcohol he abuses
You could say she’s used to it
But does that really excuse it?

She’s lost so much and still she loses more
When a father ends his child’s life before it’s born

Now she’s living with a broken heart
Thinks that she’s maybe gone too far

One day her man stumbles through the dark
To find her but she’s missing from her car
There’s a note
Something she wrote
With tear stains all over the crumpled paper
‘Cause it reminded her of the dad who left her

It doesn’t say much but it says enough
She says she just wanted to be loved
And to love

He passes out drunk after crying for a bit
The next morning they find her in a ditch
The man in uniform, he shakes his head
He’s lived life and seen a lot of dead

But this girl does something to his soul
And later that night when he goes home

He wraps his arms around his little daughter
Tells her that he’s gonna be there for her
And he grabs his wife and he holds her close
Says honey, do you know that I love you so

She smiles and for him it’s enough
Just to love and to be loved

written: 31/07/17

5 Jun 2017

Monday Musings [6] - My Safe Stronghold

Inside me and all around me I feel a wild storm’s rage,
And it’s hard when no one knows what happens offstage,
But You breathe life into my tired lungs, age after age,
And I can feel my heart, there just beneath my rib cage,
You write on it, page after page.

It’s warm to match Yours and it’s beating,
Because You heal the hurt and aching,
I will stretch my arms out, rejoicing,
In the light of Your face, I’m basking,
And to You I will always sing.

I’ve got a distance to go and the weather is bitterly cold,
But when it gets dark and I feel small I can sense the hold
Of Your hand, and forever Your love is my safe stronghold,
It is abounding and so true and capable of things untold,
And it will never, ever grow old.

I reach for You and You are always there,
No matter where,
In my brokenness and in every despair.
And when I’m in the thick of warfare,
You hear every prayer,
And when I come to You bare,
You tell me You care.

And I was bare but I won’t live another day unaware, 
Because it’s Your love and this faith that I want to wear,
I want to find those like me and tell them that You care.

written: 05/06/17


Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold You with my righteous hand. / Isaiah 41:10

A/N: Wow. I love that verse from the book of Isaiah. God satisfies. He's proved it to me in timeless ways and constant love and enduring patience. And still it's something I have to learn all over again, often. If you're like me, be encouraged. He will always be your stronghold, He is unfailing and He is forgiving.

Have you experienced something similar? Do you feel like your life is crazy or confusing at the moment, and if the answer is yes, who/what do you turn to for comfort? Because there is only One that can give you the peace you need.

29 May 2017

Moses Bennett Joseph is IMPOSSIBLY CUTE

The days are flying by. Yesterday, my youngest brother was officially 3 weeks old. He's growing faster than I can blink, and this is a time that none of us are going to live through again, so I'm savoring him. Cherishing the feeling of his warm, snug, tiny body in my arms and the smell of his downy head.

And, of course, photographing him, so y'all can see this piece of proof that there is an almighty Creator.

Rosebud mouth. Little knuckles. Button nose. I wonder if it's tough being so perfect.

I wouldn't be able to help loving him even if I wanted to. It's like when he was born, an invisible needle and invisible thread stitched him into my heart, into my soul. Only God could be the one to invent a feeling such as that.

All of God's grace in one tiny face.

My parents having been wearing joy since he came home.

He's deep in thought here, obviously. Hmm, isn't this a good nap.

He's a marvel, a wonder that just grows more beautiful and more priceless with each day.

24 May 2017

Wednesday Words [4] - Somewhere, Someday

Baby, you’re surely going to get your heart broke again
By the tides of pain that recede and then come again
Who’s to say why we put ourselves in these situations?
This world is filled with unnecessary complications

Darling, you’re going to cry again
People use people for their own gain
I promise it’s just something that happens
And the road is bumpy even when you strap in

Honey, you’re going to have to learn again
You will see sun shining through the rain
Sometimes the hurt is a disguised blessing
Through the doubts and through the guessing

Go, go find yourself somewhere you don’t want to leave
Move, move on from here to find another story to weave
Bitterness, it only leaves your heart in a state to grieve
Forgive, even when forgiveness isn’t what you receive

Find yourself somewhere you want to stay
Make good memories to one day replay
Don’t stress it if there’s any kind of delay
You’re going to find that somewhere someday

written: 22/05/2017


A/N: I feel as if I'm at a bit of a conflict with this poem. Your thoughts on it are appreciated, as always. Do you agree with what I've written? Feel absolutely free to disagree. I'm not even sure if I concede with myself yet, if that makes any sense. Do you ever feel this way? Like you're waiting on that place, that somewhere?

The thing is, I am a strong believer in living in the current moment, and being happy and grateful where you are in life. But to contrast that, I also think that one should not give up praying, hoping and healing, or waiting for dreams to become reality in the future. They won't always become real, of course, and it definitely matters what kind of reality you're truly desiring- whether it is pleasing to God or not. But I anticipate that hope, lessons learned and perseverance will become strength when built upon day after day.

22 May 2017

Fifth out of Eleven???

I know what you might be thinking...something big must have happened for me to actually be posting again. The truth is that I really miss the blogging world with so much of my heart, I miss the community here, I miss sharing with you all and listening to you all and making more friends- but life refuses to be perfect (I know I've been over the whole perfect thing before, but bear with me) and I'm never going to be perfect and I think I'll just have to see where this goes. If I continue posting, or if I don't, or if I land up in the in between somewhere. I'll roll with it.

BUT. Right now, I have something I really do want to tell you all about. Or rather, someone. And this surely is big news.

His name is Moses, and he is beautiful.

My heart aches with love for this tiny being! So, yes. Something huge did happen. Look at his smile! I am proud to introduce my new baby brother to you all. Moses Bennett Joseph, born two months premature on the 8th of May (fun fact: that happened to be my twelve-year-old brother's birthday and Moses decided to gatecrash it) and weighing 2.1 kilograms with a full head of hair and ten siblings that already adore him. He came home from the hospital yesterday. 

People, God is so GOOD. He has answered our prayers, continues to answer them and is taking good care of Moses and my mom. 

I CANNOT explain the way I feel now, how my heart bursts with emotions that wrestle and tangle together and yet are all beautiful, but I'll try. Having a new little brother, someone so small, so innocent, so pure, so precious, so promising...it's incredible. I really am trying here, but it's hard. Hard to explain how it makes me feel and how joyful I am when I look at his face, when I kiss his head and smell the sweetness of baby. Hard to tell you just how phenomenal a thing it is for me when I hold him in my arms and slip my finger into his own mini fingers and feel them squeeze.

And I'm sorry, but there are no words that will do it justice, so I won't try. For now.

That being said...my blog name may need an update sooner or later, because there has been another (unforgettable) addition to our family. How does Fifth out of Eleven sound?

PS: Proper and professional photos of this miracle baby are coming soon. 

5 Mar 2017



So, I sat at my desk, fingers hovering over the keyboard of my laptop. I’ll be sixteen, I thought to myself. Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m turning sixteen.
And then what?
Or maybe the question I was asking myself is this, instead: what do I have to show for the sixteen years I have been alive?

I started thinking over all the things that want to be thought about whenever a birthday comes around. The first one sucker punched me right in the gut to guarantee that it was at the front of the line.


It only just hit me now that I have, at times (including in the past few days), been more concerned with my past than my future.
That’s not the way it should be. Why? Because Jesus Christ made me new, and then told me to forget about my past. AND then he promised me that He has a plan and that He will make a way.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. / 2 Corinthians 5:17

Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. / Isaiah 43:18-19

My past has some dark chapters in it, but there’s undoubtedly a lot of good to it as well. I have great memories. I have awful memories. There are tons of embarrassing stories I could tell you, but perhaps I should save them for another post. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve changed.
But the past is not what we should focus on when we turn a year older, or at anytime, for that matter. And what should be? The answer is beautifully simple and simply beautiful: Jesus.

Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. / Hebrews 12:2

The next thing that wouldn’t stop nagging me is an issue I’ve been fighting for a while, not only recently. It’s absurd and something that could never be a reality because I am a human being, and yet, I still have to stop myself from running after it all the time.


I don’t feel perfect. I feel so far from perfect that I have been down in the dumps lately, mulling over how many other sixteen year olds out there ‘have their lives together’ and here I am, about to turn sixteen, and who am I anyways? What can I do? I’m not special. I’m not extremely talented, or super smart, or very beautiful. Sometimes it feels my life is just a tornado of doubt, loose ends and failures.

I don't know if you noticed what is wrong with that attitude, but God brought it to my attention. I’m writing this all down because He helped me realize, in His ever patient way, how vain, how self-centred and how self-obsessed I have been being. I have been wasting my time- adding up my triumphs, my goals, my first impressions on other people, my appearance, my worth and my story, and then still deciding that I fall short in every area. I've been idolizing the idea of perfection, when perfect isn’t even a thing that we as humans can manage anyways.

Basically, all I've been thinking about is me, and that's wrong. Me, myself, I, moi, mine, I deserve, I want, that’s mine. You get the idea. Because, reflecting on these thoughts that have recently been drifting aimlessly around in my head, I could not stand here (or sit here, if we’re being literal) and deny their nature to be purely egocentric and inward looking. And the bible does not agree with that kind of thinking.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. / Philippians 2:3

I have been holding up the days I’ve spent in this world in my mind, turning them over, inspecting them, trying to extract what is good about me so that I can feel that I am going to qualify as ‘the perfect sixteen-year-old’. Yeah, I was gently reminded by the Lord that there’s no such thing as ‘the perfect sixteen-year-old’. God called me out on that pretty fast, and I’m so grateful. It took a huge weight off my chest. It’s funny how easily we let the devil lie to us and convince us that he knows or we know who we are and what we’re worth, and it’s amazing how Jesus comes to our rescue again and again.

Back to the point I was trying to make. I was spending my energy on trying to put together a picture of myself that I would actually like. I couldn’t. In fact, I failed miserably. Do you know why? It’s not only because I’m sinner who makes many, many mistakes and also someone who has to constantly fight their very insistent, self-seeking, self-pleasing side. I am that, exactly that, whether I choose to ignore it or not- IF I leave God out of the picture. You see, I was trying to be something admirable all on my own. Counting on my fingers the good works I’ve done, the adventures I’ve had, the people I’ve impacted.

But that ISN’T WHAT MATTERS. I am not what matters. I am not who matters. I want to let perfect go and feel the joy that comes with knowing that it's irrelevant when I look to my awesome and mighty God. Which leads me to the next thing that He happened to talk to me about today.


I don’t want to let those letters in bold confuse you. I put ‘WHO I AM’ there so that I could tear them down. It isn’t about who I am. Bam. For me, that is a revelation that I need to awaken to over and over again. Selfish person over here, if you haven't noticed. But the good news? The good news is that, as I already mentioned, I am made NEW in Jesus.

Another major problem with the path my mindset has been traveling down lately is something that I hadn't taken to heart as deeply as I needed to until this week. WHO AM I TO DECIDE MY OWN WORTH? JESUS decided my worth when HE died on the cross for me. My worth is in HIM. Not in anything I can do or say.

Guys. I’m baring my soul to you…are you starting to understand how very, very, very self-obsessed I am, naturally? It makes me feel dirty. But I have Jesus. I have JESUS. He washes my sins away and makes me His child. And amidst all of this, me weighing myself on some dishonest scale that this world thrust at me, me trying to chase after my own desire to feel like I mean something, me yearning for acknowledgement from people and the internet instead of from a God who loves me with an insane amount of love, I somehow forgot that.

I never want to forget that.

I am ready now. Ready for waking up as a sixteen-year-old tomorrow. I am thankful and grateful to my Heavenly Father for showing me that it’s not who I am, it’s not what I do. It is who He is and what He does, and He has done so much for me in the years I've been alive and even before. HE is what I want everyone to see when they look at my life. Not my achievements, or the way I use words, or my physical attributes, or my followers on Instagram. I want all that to fade, to crumble, to fall away like the weak and incongruous foundation it is when they become aware of the glory of my God. I want it to be about Him.

As for me, as for who I am- I am His. It is more than I could ever ask for. It is more than I deserve. It is a gift that Jesus has offered me, and whether I accept it or not is most important. So, I do. I do accept it, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt in my heart, in my mind, in my soul- it is more fulfilling than anything else. 

It is what I want to lie in my bed thinking about when the morning greets me tomorrow. I am His, I am His, I am His. And it is a truth that can be yours too, that is yours too. If you don’t know that, my prayer is that it will be revealed to you now. If you already have that truth instilled inside of you, let this be a reminder of how precious it is. Let God tell you, with that small, still voice that is so powerful and reverberates in me even now: YOU ARE MINE.

I can’t know what it is you will choose or what it is you have chosen. But as for me, I want to be His in return. And in being His...I can testify that it truly does fill that chasm inside that nothing and no one else can heal.

That Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height- to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. / Ephesians 3:17-19

- - -

I am a flower quickly fading,
here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am.

I am Yours, I am Yours, I am Yours.

-  Casting Crowns

9 Jan 2017

Monday Musings [5] - You Win

well done, you win
you got yourself
underneath my skin
and now, now
something is happening
so what are you going to do
about this thing
that's steadily growing?

I fought it
but the thing is, I'm only so strong
and now here it is
and now here I am
surprised to feel it's right, not wrong.

it punctured my heart
in the way I know you meant it to
right from the very start
and now the red is soaking through
staining me like art.

hook, line and sinker
hey, I think I capsized your boat too
I've always been a thinker
but now I'm always thinking of you.

maybe we can go for a walk together upon the sand and
you can tell me your secrets, 
ones you normally keep to yourself and 
I will pretend like I don't like holding your hand
but that's one of my secrets, 
I normally keep it only for myself
the fact that I don't want you to let go of my hand,
as my footprints follow yours in the sand.

and you, you've got me deep in this rut
and I, I'm not even looking for a way out.

somehow I don't mind that I feel weak against this tide
and you of all people know that I've got all this pride
but alright, I'll be the first to say you win
'cause I can't concentrate
when that smile makes my head spin
and I'm not even afraid
'cause maybe 
you were supposed to win.

written: 09/01/2017