is my life supposed to look like this?

"Inhale the future, exhale the past." // 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I get caught up in the chaos. As if having a mind that has too many tabs open, all the time, isn't enough, other obstacles that I didn't see coming or ask for come my way. They ruin my schedules, they ruin my carefully thought out plans, they turn my emotional state into a hurricane of panic and exasperation and resentment, which causes me to comfort eat.

Before I go on, let me make a quick point here: I already eat too much. Minus the comfort eating.

It comes to the end of one of those confounded days that have been hit by an unexpected bomb of disorder, and I find myself wondering, is life supposed to look or feel or be this messed up?

And then comes that small, inferior voice in the back of my mind, whispering, yes, if you allow it to.

Because, I guess, a small part of me knows the truth.

I can leave it all alone and go to bed. I can give thanks for what I do have and what did go well, and I can forget about what didn't. It's a choice. I can choose not to dwell on the last 24 hours that didn't go the way I wanted them to. There will be more days to live through, and there have been plenty I've already lived through. And honestly? All in all? The good outweighs the bad.

As for the negativity that I thought was clinging to me instead of the other way around, I can just stop carrying it around with me. I can let go, let it fall, and walk away, without waiting to hear the thud of it hitting the ground. Tomorrow is always a fresh day. A day in which no mistakes have yet been made, in which there are new possibilities and an opportunity to have a grateful, uplifting outlook, and to just try again.

We all have that choice.

golden warmth

___

shimmering light streams through the windows
beautiful yellow it flows as it comes and goes
golden warmth that fills the room until it glows
while illuminating my skin and casting shadows

___

I love light. And I hate darkness. My brothers and sisters tease me about being afraid of the dark, but that isn't it. I just hate how it feels, as if it's physical, as if it's wrapping around me like a blanket and suffocating me...I guess it's along the lines of claustrophobia. Though, phobia is anxiety disorder, and a synonym for anxiety is angst, and a synonym for angst is fear, so...um, yes. That brings us back to fear.
Alright, so I'm a little afraid of the dark.

But every morning, the sunrise filters through my bedroom blinds (if they're open, and if the weather is sunny) and falls onto my bed, onto the bookshelf, onto the desk and onto the carpet, making everything bright. And our Siamese cat sunbathes, stretched out lazily on the floor, purring her heart out.
It's lovely.

June days

I think that I've only just grasped the full realization that it is now June. 

Months pass, and while you live within them, you know the whole time that they are passing, and yet, before you know it, they are gone. Sometimes, when I try to catch up with the month, it brings back memories of me as a little kid, trying to catch butterflies. Following a butterfly as it flitted through the air and clamping my hands around it gently when it landed on a flower. Then I'd open my hands only to find that, somehow, the butterfly had flown away before I had even closed my hands. Just like that. In the blink of an eye.

I think I must have blinked. And just like that, it's June the 24th, 2015.

---

lately...

+ drawing a black & white self portrait with charcoal

+ buying my first choker (I've wanted one for long. And I love it)

+ dancing in the rain (Okay, that's not entirely truthful. Does dancing inside the house while it pours outside count?)

+ enjoying having enough time to post more currently

+ sorting out a much needed exercise routine for the near future (Ugh.)

+ really looking forward to the holidays (Also in the near future)

+ hot chocolate and marshmallows (Because what would winter be without them?)

+ trooping around the garden in slippers with my Canon to get a few nature shots

+ loving succulents

+ listening to See You Again by Wiz Khalifa (ft. Charlie Puth)

+ receiving my new DNA headphones in the mail

+ writing loads of poetry (You guys aren't tired of it, are you?)

+ bundling up in warm clothes and using snoods almost everyday (Winter is in full swing)

+ planning on watching Insurgent at the theater soon with some friends (To those who have already watched it, was it good?)

+ finishing a book series by Jenny Han (The Summer I Turned Pretty)

+ drinking cranberry tea, all the time (New fave)

knives and blades

struggle through the day,

chasing peace of mind,

bleeding, cut with knives and blades.

but then

the promise of hallelujah came,

his gift to me

he took me to the ocean blue

my hair in the wild wind,

the sky was tinted pink

like roses in the spring

he showed me where the beauty hid,

taught me how to breathe again,

healed my broken ribs,

washed away the tears with rain.

and somehow I found,

the strength within, 

to hold onto to this world,

when I felt like a petal, fragile

about to fall

lost without you

I used to follow,

follow the footprints you left behind,

I use to step into them,

my feet sinking into the soft ground,

my eyes never losing sight of you,

always following

you

I used to train my heartbeat to match yours,

my pulse racing faster 

and my heart beating harder,

just to keep up with you

I used to dance,

moving my body to the music you made,

twirling until the night stars would fade

into dawn

dancing 

until I was out of breath

for you

now that you're gone,

I have no rhythm to dance to,

I have no footprints to trace.

and my heart,

I think,

I think my heart

has stopped beating,

altogether.

Because, you see,

I'm lost without you,

and 

I'm running out of time

to find myself again.

Where did you go?